sadness. anger. frustration. irritability.

I've just got home from dropping Racer at kindy and I'm looking at the remains of this morning's pre-kindy games. 

We played jigsaw puzzels and Sandwich Shop. Teddy Bear, Bear and Baby Bunny are still happily sitting at their sandwich shop 'table'.  In the background is Racer's new construction puzzle, made with such concentration and pride.

I'm thinking about Racer's beautiful blue eyes looking at me full of life and fun and love as we got ready.  I am literally crying. 

I was so grumpy this morning and it took all of my energy to feign fun and interest in our games.  sometimes i was too short with him and swore under my breath and tried to walk away to get a little space.  and all he wanted to do was include me in his beautiful, innocent, fun games.  i am literally crying. 

Looking at this gorgeous little scene in my living room, seeing Racer's beautiful happy smiley face in my mind; it makes my heart break to think that I might feel like this, be like this, throughout his childhood.   grumpy and irritable on the inside and not fully immersing myself in every moment of his development because fucking menopause is stripping me of my well-being ingredients. 

and being utterly and totally drained because it takes all of my energy not to be grumpy and irritable and angry on the outside.

i don't want to be a grumpy mole throughout his childhood. 

i want to be me.  i want to have fun.  I want to be as excited about playing cute games and having adventures as Racer is. 

i don't want to feel like this. 

i am equally shit scared about this prospect as I am determined not to let what is happening to my body affect the joy that is my son's childhood - his joy, my joy, my husbands joy. 

its really hard. 

I am literally feeling like an empty shell.  the past couple of days have been the worst two menopausal days I've ever had.

and the super scary thing is that, as I go through the process, is every new experience here to stay?  these last two days, are they the new normal?

i fucking hope not.

i refuse to let that be the case.

the past two days I've really struggled with the effects of menopause.

i really struggled to shake this sad, irritable, angry feeling. 

but I'm going to because I don't want to feel like this.  especially if this goes on for a big chunk of racer's childhood.  

so as I sit here feeling sad about the thought of feeling like this for the forseeable future, I'm thinking about what used to make me feel good.

without fail, whenever I hear one of my favourite songs I feel good.

So I thought about a time when I felt amazing and immortal and unbreakable.  The moment which popped into my mind was standing with all my friends outside our friend jess's house, ready to embark on our first independent-of-parents summer holiday.  

It was warm, we'd just finished high school, we were going away on a summer holiday together! without our parents! and we thought we were invincible.  I was wearing this cute backless orange mini dress, which would actually be right on trend now - ha, if I was 18 again, and i was so excited.   

it was fucking great, i felt fucking great and it was the early 90's.  We were listening to loads of old music at the time - zz top, georgia satellites, Steppenwolf, foreigner, Bryan Adams.  life was exciting and full of promise and fun.

so I just put on a compilation of music from that time and I tell you what, my mood has lifted considerably. 

it did take quite a few songs, and to be fair motley crue just came on and kickstart my heart, whilst high energy, is just a little too much, but! this music has 100% lifted my mood.  oh guns n' roses, that's much better.  sweet child o' mine.  how perfect. 

if you're feeling like i did today, i recommend closing your eyes and thinking about when you felt amazing and vital and full of life and happy.  take yourself back there.  what were you wearing?  who were you with?  how did you feel?  what was the soundtrack of that time? 

put that music on.

take yourself back and borrow some of that energy to carry you through the day.

oooh, born to be wild. ha, also, how appropriate.

so on that note, i'm going to stay hydrated, keep this soundtrack playing and get on with my day.

I'm also going to consider hrt.  I'll write a post about my investigation, the options and where I net out.  

Sending love, and a big virtual hug. xo, Linda. 

 And, if you were also around 18 in the early 90's you may appreciate this post, derived from the same friends holiday mentioned here. x